blog me harder...

July 4, 2006

Tough times & the bigger picture…
Because of the nature of my book and my past, ever since I’ve been blogging I’ve tried hard, perhaps, too hard to show my healthiest side…for the most part. I try not to project negative energy and to keep my whining to myself. I think it’s safe to say that what I’m going through because of my move to NYC was self-imposed…but what I’d like to share is how I’m dealing with it…because since my book came out last year and since I’ve been speaking at high schools and talking to a lot of people who ask for advice in regards to “making things better”. Well…I can tell you what I’m doing now and it may or may not be helpful advice.

I basically moved to NYC on a whim. It was the combination of a little bit of romance & intimate human contact and the desire to move to NYC.

So there’s this guy…this guy who charmed me with words…this charming man who seemed like he might very well live up to my high expectations. And in many ways…he did. However, I got caught up in something and became well, tangled. I overlooked some red flags because he was so sweet to me. I overlooked huge deal breakers because he was so very kind…Oh…I forgot to mention that we met online and that he lived in NYC. After the last one, the last one, meaning another long distance man whom I met online, I promised myself that I would not do that again. The build up is too much and the pressure is too great and come on, can you tell me how many things are more awkward than waiting at the Austin airport for the guy who has been virtually courting you for 4 months to pick you up from the airport for your 96 hour date? I digress…

So yeah, the plan to move to NYC was a long-term plan. Meaning, I’d like to consider it. I’d like to save my money for it and move in a year or so. But what happened was that this guy who held my interest, well, he lost his job and he said, “Hey, wanna stay with me?” and I panicked because I knew that we weren’t compatible as a couple but I thought that it could work because I wouldn’t have to worry about getting my own place immediately and well, he’s really kind to me and appeared to be crazy about me and so, I asked Bob and Bob said, “Yes, go to NYC. Run.”

And I began planning. I put in my notice at work and I cancelled my gym membership and I told my landlord, put my car up for sale and I made it official. And…I panicked because I had this feeling that the romance wouldn’t really work out and he, the guy, was being kind of needy and that frightened me.

I enjoyed the fact that we were so communicative. It was refreshing to me and I felt that I knew where I stood but I was freaking out because I thought that I’d like to go to New York and live independently and date New York guys…The funny thing is that I also sensed his panic.

So one day he phoned & said, “I have to talk to you about something” and the last time I heard that was when Whooli left me for his ex-girlfriend and well, that fucking hurt...bad…, so I braced myself and he said, “when you move here, I think we should be platonic” and I was pissed off, not because I was 100% sure that this was what I wanted but because I was really fucking confused. I felt out of control and mislead by my own judgment. I mean, you know that book, “He’s just not that into you”? well...this scenario would not be in that book. He phoned all the time. He spoke sweetly. Called me sweetie & cutie…said, “I wish you were here. Don’t you wish you were here, lying next to me?... I was pissed off because I felt thrown off by the signals. I told him I needed some time to mourn that. I mourn things. I listen to sad music and cry and paint and accept. It’s necessary for me. I like it. I need it.

The plan was still in effect. I would move to NYC and live with him, platonically, until I could get my own place…

And everyone said, “What happens when one of you stays out all night or starts dating someone?” “…well, yeah, I guess that’s inevitable” That’s where the ego steps in. The freakin’ ego. You know ego right? The ego that doesn’t want you but doesn’t want anyone else to have you. The ego that doesn’t want to be with you but desires your attention. It’s a silly, silly thing. Truly.

And it happened too. I don’t even want to be with this guy romantically and he doesn’t even want to be with me but we did this little dance. The little ego dance and it was strange and painful and unnecessary and completely avoidable.

I was feeling extremely emotional and displaced and out of sorts and I was homesick and lonely and I missed my bed and all of my ex-boyfriends and security seemed so far away and for a few days I was a wreck. I cried over the simplest things. I knew how stupid it was. He would get pissed off and tell me that he couldn’t take it. Told me to stop crying over stupid shit like the idiot woman who burned me while waxing my eyebrows the day that I was going to meet with a prospective literary agent and to not cry when I burnt my fingers on his percolator coffee pot. I wasn’t really crying about burning my fingers. I just missed my coffee maker in my sweet little kitchen that is 3000 miles away. I was breaking down and he was getting angry. He said, “I cant’ take that anymore” and he yelled and I cried harder and that reminded me of my mother when she would say horrible things to me followed by, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” and that showed me that I still have A LOT to fucking work on. I’m aware but not completely cured. Perhaps, being “cured” is not the word I’m looking for. It’s my brain chemistry. I’m responsible for these choices and I know why I do the things I do and why I behave the way in which I behave and well…

Basically what I’m saying is that psychologically speaking, the outcome for certain situations can be predicted.

I don’t know what I’m attempting to say here. I’m just sitting in a café with a caffeine buzz. Disecting my psychology, attemptintg to make sense of things. I’m like my own little psychological detective.

This blog entry is rough and messy and formless and because my next book is about relationships I thought I’d attempt getting used to exposing this part of myself because even though Go Ask Ogre is extremely revealing, the material is from years ago and therefore easier for me to deal with…

Comments

[Lila]

Everyone I know seems to be in New York at the moment. And regardless of the fact that things are not going particularly well for you at the moment. I do believe that there is a purpose for this converging of people I know, appreciate, and love. So, perhaps knowing that you have a greater purpose in the whole scheme of my life will boost your spirits, however slight an elevation that thought may create.

[jqiofmd]

athyubnryu

[Steve]

Hey Jolene. I came across your book and blog while doing some research on Kevin O. I'm going to be writing a short piece on him and wanted to get your input. Can you e-mail me when you get a chance?

Great post, by the way. It's poignant. New York is where you need to be.

[Hersones]

5Y3hR4 Hi Rabzebuddy! Google.

[dragonfly]

hey jolene,

are you still in new york? i am thinking of coming for a visit second week in may--

hopefully you'll read this comment before then!

dragonfly xo