hey new york...take me i'm yours...

blog me harder...

July 4, 2006

Tough times & the bigger picture…
Because of the nature of my book and my past, ever since I’ve been blogging I’ve tried hard, perhaps, too hard to show my healthiest side…for the most part. I try not to project negative energy and to keep my whining to myself. I think it’s safe to say that what I’m going through because of my move to NYC was self-imposed…but what I’d like to share is how I’m dealing with it…because since my book came out last year and since I’ve been speaking at high schools and talking to a lot of people who ask for advice in regards to “making things better”. Well…I can tell you what I’m doing now and it may or may not be helpful advice.

I basically moved to NYC on a whim. It was the combination of a little bit of romance & intimate human contact and the desire to move to NYC.

So there’s this guy…this guy who charmed me with words…this charming man who seemed like he might very well live up to my high expectations. And in many ways…he did. However, I got caught up in something and became well, tangled. I overlooked some red flags because he was so sweet to me. I overlooked huge deal breakers because he was so very kind…Oh…I forgot to mention that we met online and that he lived in NYC. After the last one, the last one, meaning another long distance man whom I met online, I promised myself that I would not do that again. The build up is too much and the pressure is too great and come on, can you tell me how many things are more awkward than waiting at the Austin airport for the guy who has been virtually courting you for 4 months to pick you up from the airport for your 96 hour date? I digress…

So yeah, the plan to move to NYC was a long-term plan. Meaning, I’d like to consider it. I’d like to save my money for it and move in a year or so. But what happened was that this guy who held my interest, well, he lost his job and he said, “Hey, wanna stay with me?” and I panicked because I knew that we weren’t compatible as a couple but I thought that it could work because I wouldn’t have to worry about getting my own place immediately and well, he’s really kind to me and appeared to be crazy about me and so, I asked Bob and Bob said, “Yes, go to NYC. Run.”

And I began planning. I put in my notice at work and I cancelled my gym membership and I told my landlord, put my car up for sale and I made it official. And…I panicked because I had this feeling that the romance wouldn’t really work out and he, the guy, was being kind of needy and that frightened me.

I enjoyed the fact that we were so communicative. It was refreshing to me and I felt that I knew where I stood but I was freaking out because I thought that I’d like to go to New York and live independently and date New York guys…The funny thing is that I also sensed his panic.

So one day he phoned & said, “I have to talk to you about something” and the last time I heard that was when Whooli left me for his ex-girlfriend and well, that fucking hurt...bad…, so I braced myself and he said, “when you move here, I think we should be platonic” and I was pissed off, not because I was 100% sure that this was what I wanted but because I was really fucking confused. I felt out of control and mislead by my own judgment. I mean, you know that book, “He’s just not that into you”? well...this scenario would not be in that book. He phoned all the time. He spoke sweetly. Called me sweetie & cutie…said, “I wish you were here. Don’t you wish you were here, lying next to me?... I was pissed off because I felt thrown off by the signals. I told him I needed some time to mourn that. I mourn things. I listen to sad music and cry and paint and accept. It’s necessary for me. I like it. I need it.

The plan was still in effect. I would move to NYC and live with him, platonically, until I could get my own place…

And everyone said, “What happens when one of you stays out all night or starts dating someone?” “…well, yeah, I guess that’s inevitable” That’s where the ego steps in. The freakin’ ego. You know ego right? The ego that doesn’t want you but doesn’t want anyone else to have you. The ego that doesn’t want to be with you but desires your attention. It’s a silly, silly thing. Truly.

And it happened too. I don’t even want to be with this guy romantically and he doesn’t even want to be with me but we did this little dance. The little ego dance and it was strange and painful and unnecessary and completely avoidable.

I was feeling extremely emotional and displaced and out of sorts and I was homesick and lonely and I missed my bed and all of my ex-boyfriends and security seemed so far away and for a few days I was a wreck. I cried over the simplest things. I knew how stupid it was. He would get pissed off and tell me that he couldn’t take it. Told me to stop crying over stupid shit like the idiot woman who burned me while waxing my eyebrows the day that I was going to meet with a prospective literary agent and to not cry when I burnt my fingers on his percolator coffee pot. I wasn’t really crying about burning my fingers. I just missed my coffee maker in my sweet little kitchen that is 3000 miles away. I was breaking down and he was getting angry. He said, “I cant’ take that anymore” and he yelled and I cried harder and that reminded me of my mother when she would say horrible things to me followed by, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” and that showed me that I still have A LOT to fucking work on. I’m aware but not completely cured. Perhaps, being “cured” is not the word I’m looking for. It’s my brain chemistry. I’m responsible for these choices and I know why I do the things I do and why I behave the way in which I behave and well…

Basically what I’m saying is that psychologically speaking, the outcome for certain situations can be predicted.

I don’t know what I’m attempting to say here. I’m just sitting in a café with a caffeine buzz. Disecting my psychology, attemptintg to make sense of things. I’m like my own little psychological detective.

This blog entry is rough and messy and formless and because my next book is about relationships I thought I’d attempt getting used to exposing this part of myself because even though Go Ask Ogre is extremely revealing, the material is from years ago and therefore easier for me to deal with…

piggybacks & queen sized beds...

June 25, 2006

Today I’m gonna piggyback on your happiness.
I’m gonna act as if I’m happy like you, and that I have a nice home to go to with a queen sized bed in the master bedroom. A queen bed just like the bed that I have in Los Angeles. The bed that is still my bed, but that someone else is sleeping in and loving on. The bed which sits in a room that holds memories that can bring tears to my eyes…of all night cuddles and getting to know each other better and the walls that saw the last time that I had sex with my ex-boyfriend when I finally realized that I was just not into it anymore. After seven years, I finally realized… That was the room that is connected to the kitchen where Whooli said, “I’m going to lay in your bed” and he held me and as the Cocteau Twins soaked my eardrums just as the rain had earlier that evening when we got caught in the storm and held hands as we ran and that was also the night I think I ruined my pink and black Vans.

Did you know that when you smiled at me that you were giving me the key to some joy? Such a simple thing that could give me a smidgen of security and hope. To think that the candles that surround us remind me of the candles in my own comfort zone on the night I had a party when my little guesthouse was filled with love and good energy and uncertainty. A night when I was unaware of just how much I would miss that…You have no idea.

I’m depending on your happiness because if I notice your smile fade it might remind me that I’m 3000 miles away from familiarity and security and that I don’t have a home and that I don’t have my car and that I’m couch hopping and that I don’t have place to be sad if I feel like being sad because no one wants to be close to someone who is sad…You know that, right?

So yeah, you really need to keep on smiling for me. Please. And I promise that one day I will be smiling and happy and full of the best vibrant energy and you will need that. You’re gonna piggyback on my happiness and it will be my pleasure to allow you to do so.

whativebeendoing...

What I’ve been doing…

…stumbling and falling in Manhattan…
…drinking wine…both red & white & sake…
…trying my darndest to replace “Can I?” with “May I?”…
…seeking work…
…seeking myself…
…seeking love…
…making friends…

I really do have a lot to tell you however…I don’t have internet access at home and I’m busy, busy, busy in the big fat city…details as they come…

Smoochies,
Jolene

Oh and a little shout out to Regina. You rock girl! It was my pleasure to speak at your school. PS. DON’T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FORGET TO WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN. OKIE DOKIE???

Did I just say “Shout out?”….someone, please slap me…

And…little Pepe, I hope you’re having the best time in Doggie Heaven. I miss you soooooOOooooo much. No one will ever doggie hug me the way you did…

And…Al Jourgensen, you truly kick ass STILL after 20 YEARS! I want 20 more…okie dokie?

and Ellay…(LA)…
I don’t care what anyone says. I fucking miss you….smog and all…

Things are looking up…

Lucky Me!

What can I say? I’m a bit of a stress case but I have so many things working in my favor for the most part.

How lucky am I? I haven’t even been in NYC for a week and already I’ve had a reading with some wonderful writers, been to a birthday party for Marcy Dermansky the author of the book Twins and find that she bought me a cake for my birthday w/ my name on it and had her friends sing to me!

I had a birthday party of my own in which people actually showed up and with gifts even…so I’m a lucky woman!

It hasn’t completely hit me that I no longer live in Los Angeles and that I’m not a 15-minute drive to the hiking trail that would take me to the Hollywood sign. I’m far, far away. I am able to, however, to get to Central Park in about 40 minutes.

Some of the wonderful New Yorky things that have happened as of late are this…
Yesterday I was walking up the street with my angel of a friend, Mr. Julius Orange and I notice a pile of books lying on the ground outside of someone’s brownstone. Upon closer inspection I find that it’s a brand new, wrapped Dictionary along with two writing guides…mine for the taking. That so rocked, especially since my dictionary is not something that I packed to bring with me.

And today I’m walking up my temporary street to see a stoop sale (NY yard sale). I noticed a stack of new identical books and I knew that it must have been the sale of the author. I was correct. How often does that happen in Los Angeles? Fun! Check this out:

Goodie Publications

The weird thing is that that the girl that I met was named Foxy and that is the name I’m using for one of my projects…so, it’s just funny!

Anyway, I wanted to remind those of you who are reaching out to me that I’m quite backlogged with my correspondence at this time. I'm searching for work and trying to acclimate. Aside from that I don’t have internet service at home so it makes it hard for me to respond to emails. It’s not personal. Okie dokie?

bruises and chances...

So…here it is…my body is full of bruises, my back aches and…I’m homeless…
Yes I’m being dramatic…it’s all true, but it was my choice…

I’ve spent the past month packing up and having yard sales. I’m moving to NYC…if only briefly. I’ve put my possessions in storage. I’ve sold more than half of my belongings. I’ve moved out of my sweet little guesthouse, where I’ve lived for 5 years w/ the coolest landlord on the planet and…there you have it.

I arrive in NYC on Tuesday 6.6.06. I have a wonderful, wonderful, saint-like friend who I will be staying with until I can find a place.

I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m ready.

I’m in need of a job…preferably a hip or upscale restaurant, serving job, if anyone out there knows of one.

And so…this is why you’ve been waiting so long for your bookmarks. I promise they are coming and they will be lovely.

Send me your happy thoughts!

Much love,
Jolene

the next 5 days...

will be incredibly chaotic and stressful and emotinal and well....you'll find out why soon. all is good, i promise...have made a life-changing decision, which I feel great about...and I believe it will be good for me...my apologies for being so vague...and for the love of God, look at the hour, it's barley 5AM and no, I haven't been up all night. I'm drinking coffee and getting ready for my day. Details soon, if you're interested.

Much love,
~jolene

Hey Gen-X!!!

Hey Gen-X!!!

Calling all old school pen pals…it was bound to happen. We’ve found eachother! Author, Clint Catalyst
and I have begun working on a new project together.

If you were involved in the mail art scene in the 80’s then we need you. We’re looking for those of you who are obsessive collectors like ourselves. We’re hoping that you might also have boxes of old friendship books (we’re told these days they are referred to as “deco’s” and old school decorated envelopes. We will need high-resolution images.

If you would like to get involved please email me at goaskogre@hotmail.com.

xoxo,
Jolene

PS. Some former pen-pals that I would love to find are…

Katey Newkirk from Las Vegas
Birdmad
Phanian (Jenny)
Natalie Smith from Tulsa

Are you out there?

yIPPY!

so...here it is. In case you didn't know, my publisher makes kick ass books.

PROCESS AWARD WINNERS

WINNER Best Historical Fiction Book:
THE NERO PREDICTION By Humphry Knipe!!!!

WINNER Best Book on Sexuality/ Relationships:
SEX MACHINES By Timothy Archibald

FINALIST Best Juvenile/Teen Young Adult Non-fiction:
GO ASK OGRE by Jolene Siana

FERAL HOUSE AWARD WINNERS

WINNER Best Popular Culture Book:
SIN-A-RAMA

HONORABLE MENTION Travel Book
BIG DEAD PLACE

Check out the Process Website:
http://www.processmediainc.com/

My apologies for the lack of blog and for being out of touch. My life is changing in many ways at the moment. Challenging but ulitmately for the best.

I've begun a fun little just for kicks project that I will post soon.

xoox,
jolene

wearing these chains...

There is a very cool site:

Wearing These Chains

It's sort of a Nine Inch Nails fan site but...really, it's a whole lot more. It's a forum of smart, creative music lovers and they have begun a book club and are discussing Go Ask Ogre. So, those of you who enjoy the book may want to partake in the conversation.

And… I swear to you that I am getting ready to send off the hand-designed bookmarks that I’ve promised you. There is a lot going on at the moment, I can’t really share the details at this time but some fun stuff is coming up and it could involve YOU!

Oh, and fun news! Go Ask Ogre is a semi-finalist for The Independent Publishers Book Award (IPPY Award)

So…if you would like a bookmark, send me your land mail address to goaskogre@hotmail.com with the subject heading “Bookmark”. Please don’t send it to my myspace mailbox as I get so many messages that it’s hard to keep it organized.

Thanks so much!

xoxo,
~jolene

what would Maria do?

OK, I haven’t posted in awhile. All is fine and good and potentially even great but what I’ve got to do it take on the “What would Maria do” stance. Who is Maria you ask? Maria Von Trapp, naturally. She sings when she’s sad and confused, and come on, that’s just adorable.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m speaking of the Sound of Music, my all time favorite film (aside from Wedding Crashers). Don’t you even laugh! It’s a lovely film. I love musicals. I myself break out in song, though, sadly I do not have such a great singing voice….OK, so this post is not about musicals or singing, I only thought of Maria Von Trapp because she’s so freakin’ perky and positive and I just wonder what she would do if she were me…at a turning point…not quite a rut. Simply transition. I’m requesting your happy thoughts.

So, I’m just amazed by people. Yes, I’m a waitress. Being a waitress can be fun. Really, I’m not joking and being a waitress can be educational. Really, I’ve learned how to set a table and about what you should do when you’re finished eating and all kinds of fun rules of etiquette. I know that you should serve from the left and clear from the right. I know to “Pardon my reach” when reaching across the table. I know. I know. I know what makes me a “good” waitress and a “bad” waitress. I know that I’m some kind of idealist. I know that my simple expectations will never be met. AND, I now know that I’m not really self-absorbed. Before you laugh and question that, let me explain.

Yes, I write often about my thoughts and my life. Yes, I require a lot of attention when going through a crisis but I’m also pretty aware and cognizant and I’m completely dumbfounded when I see oblivious behavior. Yep, I’m opinionated, but you knew that already.

It is my opinion that a lot of people, A LOT, are self-centered and inconsiderate. I shall enjoy pointing out exactly why. I firmly believe my readers (you) do not need this information. I post it because I think you understand.

Last night I served at a Passover Seder. It was a very large event. We were a little understaffed. The way it works in large events is that there is a planned out serving schedule. Here’s how it works.

Drink order is taken.
Salads are served.
(clear)
Soup is served.
(clear)
Entrée is served.
(clear)
Dessert is served.
(clear)
Coffee is served.

Now, this does not mean that as a guest, you can’t ask for something out of sequence, say for example you desire a cocktail while consuming your soup. This is a perfectly fine request. But realize this, your server is on a schedule, your server may not have yet served the table next to you. No, your server did not “forget” about you. Your server just can’t drop everything for you to grab your martini. You’d be surprised how many people take this personally.

I’ve worked so many banquets where there is a set menu. You’d think that if someone had a special dietary concern they would inquire beforehand. The kitchen is always willing to accommodate any special requests. What I have little tolerance for is when people, grown adults, specifically, throw cry baby fits when they don’t get what they desire.

At the staff meeting we were told that the guests would be served a traditional Passover Seder dinner, which meant that Brisket would be the entrée. We were told that there were a total of 15 whitefish entrees and that 6 entrees were already spoken for. The dinner was for about 300 people. You do the math.

A man asked me if brisket was the only entrée being served. As a thoughtful (and good) server would do, I asked the Server Captain. I was told that we could indeed serve him the whitefish. I went to the table and told him so. I gave him his fish while the rest of the table was being served the traditional brisket. Yes, I said traditional. This is a traditional meal.

Normally, as custom would have it, the ladies are served first but because the man had made a special request, he was served his fish. While placing the TRADITIONAL brisket in front of his wife she said directly to me, as if she were a child, “Don’t bother even putting that in front of me, I won’t even eat it”. OK, a few things were going through my mind. This is a TRADITIONAL meal. Don’t you know that you will be served brisket and if you don’t like brisket, then why didn’t you inquire ahead of time to choose another menu item? Another thought. Why didn’t the husband offer the fish to his wife? Instead of speaking to me in that child-like manner, why couldn’t she just ask me, “Have you any more fish, I would really prefer it if you do?” See how simple that is? It’s all about respect. Do you even realize how much easier it is to get the things you desire by simply asking?

The lack of respect out there in the world is amazing. The other day at work I was clearing a table. I asked a women, “May I take your plate?” Do you know that this woman turned to me and said with a cold face, “huh?” She said “HUH”. Judging (yep, I was judging) from her appearance, which, was upscale casual, and judging (yep) the company she was with who spoke intelligently (yes, I was eavesdropping). I was surprised by the absence of her manners.

So, I realize, that as a waitress I need to let go of how I believe that people should behave as I have no control over this and I also know that my time with these people whom I loathe so much is brief and temporary. I need to get over it.

On the other hand, there are many reasons why my idealistic ways attribute to why I’m a good waitress. I actually CARE if the cook attempts to serve the quesedilla that he just dropped on the floor and I will refuse to serve it even though he’s going to give me an attitude and probably even hold a grudge and make my time at work unpleasant. Yes, this has happened. AND, I care when the busboy drops a loaf of bread on the floor and I see him try to serve it. I’ll also have a discussion with him and he will take it personally and give me an attitude even thought it’s just a freakin’ loaf of bread that he doesn’t even have to pay for. I take food allergies very seriously so when people request an item without the ingredient that could make them ill and possibly kill them, you better believe that I ask every single person involved in the process of preparing their meal to MAKE SURE that there are no nuts, or whatever the toxic ingredient is.

I forget what my initial point was. But, there you have it, that’s what’s going on with me.

Oh, one more thing, I must point out of course, the very kind and cultured people whom I have the pleasure of serving and who help me to pay my bills by tipping me appropriately (20% yo!). I should also point out that despite the fact that a lot of people get on my freakin’ nerves, most people are pleasant and I genuinely hope they enjoy their dining experience. Honest, I do.

Yours truly,
Jolene the geeky idealist.